all or nothing

I am starting SGD tomorrow. Wish me luck. 44 days until my birthday.

56.5 today on the scale.

Classes started. They will be really hard this semester. It is starting to be really cold and rainy. Finnaly.

I am getting on my routine.

Its all or nothing now. All or nothing.

52 days left. 56.8

Ok. I am under 57... perfect day yesterday. 600 kcal. I discovered that the less I eat during the day the easier it is for me to endure hunger in the evening. I just need to eat as little as possible. Planning meals? Nope... i will just eat when I absolutely feel like I NEED to. So far- so good.

Today I saw 56.8 on the scale so its almost a kilogram less then yesterday. Which is GREAT. I feel like I can do this. And eating that 600 was like natural. I didn't feel as if it was much of a challenge.
I will try to lower it even more.

I am not sick anymore. Which is good news.

Stay strong. You can do this. 52 days left. I have no room for screw ups. This is it.

53 days left.

And back again 57.4. I do not understand!. Does my body want me to starve? I mean.. I can do it if its what it takes. I am soooo tired of gaining...I gained back 2 kgs from the 7-8 kgs I lost. It CAN'T be happening!!!

All I can do is stop eating alltoghether. Also, since I started to eat omletes I had been gaining like crazy. I need to go back to yogurts and muesli and vegetables. Thats what I had been living on when I was loosing weight. No more mother's dinners either. Not gonna happen. I AM NOT GAINING IT BACK. Why did I stop when I hit 55???? I should have been pushing for the next 3 kgs!!! I am soooo mad at myself. Sooooo mad. I am going to be sticking to the things I know. Yoghurt, muesli, coffee. Oh... and this time I am adding workouts. So that will ensure that I am actually loosing.

The problem is that everyone at home including me is sick. So that means there will be no alone time to do the workouts. Thats ok for now. I will just make sure I will eat AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE for the upcoming week. Yes. Thats the deal. I will keep on eating as little as possible (and that means UNDER 600) until I reach 55 kgs again. And than I will add the workouts. Sounds like a plan.

I watched Paranormal Activity. The first one. Waste of time. For the first 30 min they set up the camera and the woman is bitching about the camera. Nex 45 min is just lights flickering and doors shutting. LAst 30 min is semi good. on the scale 1 to 10 of paranormal horror movies. I would give 1.5.

57.0 today. Surprising after yesterdays slip ups. I am back in square 1. It will be 56.8 tomorrow. Needs to be. And 56.0 at th end of next week. 55.0 on the 16th. 54.5 by the end of the month. And from there its straight down to 53.0.

I had a weird dream. I was in some kind of english like castle. The gothic kind. With arched windows and arcades. There was an atrium kind of an arcade with its ceiling opened to the sky. I lied down on the floor looking up. The atrium opening was under a tree. It was a beutiful tall tree with leaves still green. I was just lying there looking up when it started to rain. According to the dream books, the rain symbolizes a happiness found somehwere else than I suspected it to be. Ah. Mystery.

Its. 2pm and all I ate was a piece of dark full grain bread with like this chicken pate spread. 120 kcal.

Now my mother is making dinner. 300 kcal max on that.
Oh dear its already October. I can't believe I had wasted so much time on being fat.