55.7

55.7 I still can't believe that I weigth that "little" I catch myself at writting 57,58. Its amazing how I discovered that all this time it was me who was blocking my own weightloss.
My birthday passed like always: short, unmeaningful eating of the cake and atmosphere of general i- dont- give- a -damn. I got beutiful jwelery and the dress from the last post. Of course today morning my mother (passive agreesive much?) yelled at me that i dont want to play with the child (I Need to study! Hello???) and that I wasted 2h yesterday on talking to people who wished me happy bday! And that she spent so much money on my present. And I was like "than take it back! I dont want it!" Many times i just thought she hates to see me happy. She hates the fact that i have friends that I am young and I can have fun! And she dosent want me to go out anywhere and do anything. She wants me to be fat and ugly so that she can feel better. I hope these observatoions are not true. But the way she acts i am starting to think its all true. Than she feels bad about everything and she is all sweet. But she never apologizes.

I took laxatives. On empty stomach. And swallowed with coffe. I feel hopeless. Not even angry because that is nothing new.
I am day dreaming about the day i am finally take thae courage and move out. Find a job, an apartment (small but cute) and live thare by myself. The thing is that would mean totall independance. No running back to my parents for everything. I am not ready for that yet.

I talked to exes last night. I hate when ex number 1 tells me stuff like ;"god you are so cute when you get angry" or he tells me i love you. It hurts because I know he is not as much into it as I am. The other ex. logged on to wish me happy bday. I decided that since he would be the most happy to see me suffer i told him i am doing perfectly. That obviously pissed him off because he finnished the conversation really quickly.
1:0 for me asshole!