falling deep into the rabbits hole

It has been a while. I had completely given up up on any kind of dieting. First the exams and now the fact that I am trying to figure out the daily routine. The only good thing is that my metabolism is working like a small machine. I get up early around 8:30 so that helps. I am 56.2 kgs so I didnt even gain that much. a pound maybe. The situation is not critical. But If I dont get back on track I will just start to gain again.
From my observation, I have 1h 20 min in the morning when everyone leaves for school. And aprox. the same amount of time in the afternoon.

Yesterday there was atypical situation. My parents were out picking up my sisters, and I went out to the store. In the meantime they came back and freaked out because i was not home. The first thing they did is they went through my computer, my cell phone everything. They didnt even think tha tI could be just getting groceries. I came back 5 min later and they all had a wierd face. I saw my chat with a recent window opened. I knew that they read everything. And thats very bad because now they know I had been lying. I am screwed. I had a poker face on. They did too. The status quo remains, but no longer safe. I HATE THIS HOUSE.

In all honesty I lost motivation for anything. Even to pursue my career choices. Also, all my life I had been told I am exceptionally inteligent, that I am bound to do some great things. Now.. after failing 2 exams and comparing myself to other students, I can say honestly. I am a half morron who had been sheltered all my life. Seriously. Its not an exagerattion. Its partially my fault because I believed that I am a good student all through high school. But mainly I blame my parents for not exposing me to the right environment. I blame my parents for a lot of things. I think thats really bad for me. I want to move out but I have no courage to start my own life. I am a coward without any reall skills. Sometimes I think that this is what my parents intended. To make me dependable from them so I dont leave. I have no idea what to do with myself in terms of career and how to go about it. I decided that before I will move out and find a job I need to become more responsible and couragous. I need to find a way to gain more confidence. To be able to reason with my parents without screaming, crying and all the emotions. Look pass the emotions. Be able to form arguments that will lead me out of here. Thats my biggest dream now. To get out, on my own terms.

In 3 weeks the new semester starts. I have couple of goals. Good grades. Take part in another competition. Prepare for entrance exams to architecture school ( I wont get in but its worth a try), and of course have a solid diet and workout routine.

In all honesty. I am lost and scared. Adult life is a bitch. Most of the time I feel like a looser because I bitch and moan about my family like a freaking teenager, instead of just moving out. I am scared and what keeps me down is my parents anger and dissapointment. I still have this wish of pleasing them.

I am going to take my adult life step by step. I want to get my own bank account. I dont know how to do it wihtout my parents knowing it. I will tell you girls one thing. Once I get out of here, I will not lie EVER.