Yesterday my mother told me I am angry at everyone because I didn't make the best out of my 3 years at the Uni. and that I am blaming everyone. Instead I should be blaming myself. Well.. mommy.. you got one tihng right.. I am angry that I didn't take every possible chance there, but the only person I am blaming is myslelf. I am blaming you for making my life a nightmare since I've been back. Everything else, I did myself.
The truth is I need to change. I can't be spoiled, lazy, undecided and angry as I am. I am too emotional. I can't handle confrontations. I tear up in every confrontation with them. I can't do that.
You know whats the only thing that keeps me kinda happy? I know its awful to be happy that someone gained weight.. but thats what happened to my always-skinny-and-fabulous-sister. She is 56 kgs and she is just 2 cm taller than I am. I can easly wear her jeans. I REALLY want to loose weight just to be thinner than she is. Its kinda satisfying to observe... she could never understand my obsession over weight because she was naturally skinny. Now she is like "why am I gaining weight???" while eating a huge pastry at 10pm. I am not gonna say.. its kinda satysfinig.. now she knows what I had been going through these years.. and now she is gonna pay for ratting me out to parents, making fun of me when I was exercising or eating healthy meals.
I know I am a terrible person... I so am. I hate myslef so much. I seriously have NOTHING in my life right now which is worth to say "oh thats good, she is good at that".. nothing.
Idk what to do to make the stuff at home work. Smile and pretend I am oh so joyous to be here??? I was never able to do that! I know that it might be only way to figure out a good relationship with them. I don't think I can pretend that I am happy. Do you do that often. Do you pretend that you are super happy while sometimes you just want to slam the door and never come back??
Love love love this outfit... also. I want my legs to like that good in leggings..
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